Pregame: Welcome to the Jungle

[parvati]

Hello, all you PWs and staff - or as you will inevitably rename yourselves, the Parvati Fan Club! I'm so glad that you're here to watch me win Rustic Survivor 2. Oops! Sorry to spoil the end result there! Silly me! <3

Don't worry though, even if you know the ending I'm sure there'll still be plenty of fun stuff for you to watch.  

It's nice that there are going to be 21 people this season. 21 is my lucky number, since it's the number of guys I nailed in one week, the age of my first boyfriend, and Wayne Gretzky's jersey number before he lost a bet and had to change it to 99. (This is an actual fact; do not ever doubt your Glamazonian Queen)

Since we still have a little time to kill while we wait for the borewhores who'll be losing this to game to me to start trickling in, I might as well do a cast assessment to pass the time. 

Now, I know what you're thinking: 

"But Parvati, you fantastic sex goddess you, half of these dopes haven't even checked in! It's not possible to assess a cast that doesn't even exist yet!" 

To which I reply, I'm Queen Parvati Fucking Shallow and I do what I want*. Deal with it, bitches! <3 *hairflip*

So, here we go. Time to assess this cast.

Alex Angarita

I'm sorry, were the other 459 contestants who are more interesting than Alex Angarita taken already? I already hate this person. Think about this way: this person looked at the list of available contestants we could all pretend to be and said, "Master strategists and physical powerhouses? Sexy people? NONE OF THAT SHIT, THANKS! I'd rather pretend to be the insufferable douchebag!" 

Angie Layton

Wow, and they call me Shallow. Angie Layton is known for two things, and neither of them are intelligence. Anybody who actually wants to play as this bitch is probably hoping to be a flirty social queen and use her "assets" to get all boys. Please, skank. Those cantaloupes enter the room six minutes before you do.

Brandon Bellinger

Oh wow, I wonder who this could possibly be? I'll tell ya who it's not - it's totally not Host Brian from Warriors, lolzily playing as an obscure Guatemala rep for about the thirtieth straight time! Can't wait to see all the other Warriors alumni in the cast "accidentally" reveal they've been cast in the Warriors group chat, and "coincidentally" work together purely by "happenstance!" 

Seriously though. I love Don but son of a bitch if this is actually him... then I've seen blind proctology surgeons create less half-assed things than that alias. 

Burton Roberts

Another relatively old-school rep, but less suspicious because it's a Pearl Islands rep and PI is more well-known than most of the earlier seasons. Burton creates a chicken-or-egg situation for me: I can't tell if playing as Burton turns people into snakey douchebags, or whether people who are snakey douchebags play as Burton. Either way, there's a weird relationship between Burton Roberts and snakey douchebaggery. He either creates them or he attracts them, either way I'm going to kick his ass. 

Candice Cody

I feel like I should feel more of a soul bond with Candice, since she's the queen of, "I did this thing that pissed a bunch of people off, and now they're pissed off about it, which confuses me." and that seems to be how life works for me. But I don't. Anybody who picks Candice either is a silly fan who doesn't think about the psychology of their rep selection, or a badass who wants to obfuscate themselves. I'll wait until I talk to her to see which of those she is. I'd lay cash money she tries to make an alliance with John on the first day, regardless.  

Ciera Eastin

HOLEH CRAP OMG OMG OMG OMG GUISE IT MUST BE UBLAZROB!!1!1! HE PLAYED AS CIERA THAT ONE TIME IN THAT ONE SERIES ONCE. NOBODY ELSE ON THE ENTIRE INTERNET EVER PLAYS AS HER. ATTENTION FAN CLUB MEMBERS: LET'S ALL GO HARASS HIM UNTIL HE ADMITS THAT IT'S HIM! IF HE SAYS HE ISN'T CIERA, THAT'S JUST A SECRET CODE MEANING "I'M TOTALLY CIERA, KEEP ASKING UNTIL I ADMIT IT!" 

You may think I'm joking but I'm totally going to use that against her just because I can. 

Courtney Marit

Oh good, a crazy person. Someone who chooses Courtney Marit is either: a) a shtick player, b) some idiot wasting a rep who should only be played by shtick players, or c) Bo Egnor. a) and b) are relatively harmless because shtick players who aren't me are harmless. If it's Bo Egnor, it'll become laughably obvious in the first ten minutes, and then I'll decide who to proceed from there. But if it's not him and I don't hear at least fifty thousand jokes about Mother Earth and the spirituality of my lady parts, I'm going to vote her off out of sheer disappointment. 

Eliza Orlins

Interesting choice but pretty bland characterwise. I've only ever seen one Eliza that was noteworthy, and she was a raging bitch who managed to be so intolerable that they didn't even keep her around as a jury goat. That was back when Eliza was first invented in the mid 2000s, so I'm not holding out much hope that she'll be any different from the string of yawn-inducing bores who've ruined her since then. And yes, that totally includes myself that one time. 

Jenna Morasca

OMG. Someone playing as the chick who won Amazon in a game taking place in the Amazon! Hold me back, fans, cause this clever wittiness is just going to BLOW ME THE FUCK AWAY. Seriously though, I can't think of another good reason to play as Jenna Mo. She was an objectively terrible person in Amazon, offending feminists and handicapped people the world over, and she's not that attractive, even with the makeup she trowels on in her modeling photos. So congratulations, person who thinks that they'll win this game because Jenna did it in real life, you are officially sad. 

Joe Dowdle

This person must have meant to apply as Joe Anglim and typed the wrong name. Who the fuck else plays as Joe Dowdle? You might as well play as that little bushman guy Bikal won as a reward in Caramoan, since they both have the exact same amount of character development. Either this person wants to be ironic, or they just genuinely don't give a shit about anything. 

John Cody

Someone is playing as a generic hot guy with no actual personality? Be still, my beating labia! 

Katie Collins

I remember going to video game parties as a teenager. They were awesome, except someone's little brother would always tag along, and take up one of the controllers. Then they'd proceed to wander aimlessly around the game, alternating between yelling about not understanding the controls and crying about how unfair it was that the older kids were better at everything and they couldn't win. That was more or less what it was like watching Katie Collins play Survivor. She sat around doing nothing and occasionally made unwarranted bitchy comments, then ultimately got her ass kicked by her arthritic mother, who a) tried to proclaim herself a secret threat despite being outed as a strategist ten years ago b) never did a single darn thing to earn/uphold that reputation all season, and c) had to be physically helped through it more than once. When that epicfail is the person who's kicking your ass, it's time to admit that you should never have been on the show in the first place. Katie Collins did a better job in her one-episode loved one cameo in Australia than in all of her BvW episodes put together, so anybody who wants to play as her on purpose is someone I can barely summon enough energy to pity. 

Ken Stafford

Interesting choice. Probably someone who's rewatchin Thailand and wanted to play as one of the more interesting characters from that season. I'm going to arbitrarily label him as a threat to look out for. 


It's late and I have a headache. I'll do the rest of this whenever I feel like it. 




*You think that's a joke, but my middle name is actually Fucking. The family surname originated when one of my pioneer ancestors was decried for choosing a wife based on cup size as opposed to her ability to milk goats or bake sweetbreads, and the local Native American population overheard them call him "fucking shallow" for it. Unfortunately for him, he gained legendary hero status after singlehandedly killing an entire herd of rampaging grizzly bears who attacked the Native American settlement nearby, and was immortalized as Fucking Shallow in local legend. Seriously. If you ever happen to be traveling in the black pine forests of northern Utah, ask the indigenous people there about Fucking Shallow. Nobody even remembers what his real name was, so we were the Shallow family from that day forward, and I was named Parvati Fucking Shallow as a way of honoring that heritage. The fact that I'm a badass skank is just a harmonious coincidence. 



 

[thenavneet]

Who is this UblazRob person people keep talking about?? Sounds like a bitch tbh.

[parvati]

Yep he's a bitch all right.

[sarah]

Your my fav all ready

[parvati]

"Wow, I'm really surprised Parvati's on the Beauty tribe!" SAID NO ONE EVER <3

[parvati]

I've been busier than a Vegas brothel this week but I'll have the rest of my shit up soon.

[parvati]

Alright, let's get these sloppy seconds started! 

Mike Holloway

This guy's either some newb who started watching Survivor last week and decided to just arbitrarily pick the latest winner, or he's a big threat who wants to pretend he isn't by making the obvious "guy who just won last season" rep pick. I'm going to go with the latter because I've played as Mike Holloway for the exact same reason, and I would like to believe that there's someone out there who can provide at least a little challenge for me on my way to the top. I'm temporarily awarding him the coveted "Parvati's Official Nemesis" status for this season, and will dedicate my entire game to destroying him at any cost. Unless I find someone better.

Parvati Shallow

The fan favorite of the season, biggest hero and biggest villain at the same time, giver of epic confessionals, and sexy as all hell to boot. Need I really say more? It's going to be a joy to watch this bitch trample over the lesser minds of this game. The subsequent steamy lesbian love scenes between her and Sierra in the winner's circle will be a bonus. 

R.C. Saint-Amour

R.C. falls into the rare category of people who become much more attractive if you put a bag over their heads. She reminds me of Eliza who is a bae, but she has a face that looks like an elevator door closed on it. And, ugh, her bikini may be leopard, but her boobs are 100% cougar material. 

Richard Hatch

The fuck, I thought navneet was a PW? 

Rodney Lavoie, Jr.

There are few Survivor contestants that I'd classify as straight-up terrible people. For instance, Malcolm Freberg is an epic douchebag who delights in misogyny and was shocked he wasn't the villain in Philippines because of how much time he spent deliberately being nasty to other people. He's a class-A douchewad, but he's also someone who dedicated part of his life to helping underprivileged children overseas, so he can't be all that bad. Rodney Lavoie, Jr on the other hand is someone who used his sister's murder to get ahead in Survivor, made fun of other people's religious beliefs, and was downright sexist at times. The guy is a knuckledragger of the highest order, and every second he was on my TV screen was sheer agony. I wouldn't say he's the worst thing ever to come out of Boston (Mariano has THAT award on lock) but he's definitely in the running. So who the fuck says to themselves, "Yeah, that's the kind of facade I want to present to people!"? This guy is either a terrible person or a fan of terrible people, and they're about to meet a terrible fate if they ever fall into my clutches. 

Russell Hantz

This guy tries getting into my panties even one time, and I will dickpunch him so hard that he becomes Caitlyn Jenner. There's really only one way to play Russell: stupidly. Either you play him like a villain, in which case everybody hates the shit out of you, or you try to play him like a hero, in which case everybody doesn't believe you and hates the shit out of you. Been there, done that. 

Shirin Oskooi

I know one guy who's super obsessed with Shirin, and I wonder if he's the one playing her here. Wouldn't surprise me. I love that kid to death so expect us to make beautiful music together if and when we connect. But if it's someone else they can just go home. I don't need to see that fat blurred ass hanging out while I'm trying to eat my rice, you know? 

Spencer Bledsoe

Spencer was effectually ruined for me by this one asshole who showed up in the ORGverse, declared himself the best student of the game to have ever lived, and then went around a) failing to ever win a game and b) involving himself in fights that didn't actually have anything to do with him, trying to tell everybody else how they should have played better. It's a bit like getting marriage advice from a quadruple-divorcee, or haircut recommendations from Donald Trump. I know that that particular asshole isn't in this game, so I probably shouldn't hate Spencer as much as I do, but I'm going to do it anyway, because I'm the fucking queen. 

[parvati]

BUT OH LOOK HALF OF THESE LOSERS DIDN'T SHOW, SO NOW THERE'S ALTERNATES.

Well, in cast assessments as in orgies, the more the merrier. 

Andrea Boehlke

I'm pretty sure we would never have seen Andrea again after RI if she hadn't gotten implants, which says just about everything you need to know about how I feel about people who play as her. RI was objectively the worst thing ever, and not just on television. It's a miracle that Caramoan Andrea blossomed into a functional human being who could walk and talk and display rudimentary logic skills, which just goes to show that silicon isn't just for improving computers. 

Erik Huffman

I have never understood people who play as Erik Huffman. He is a genuinely nice guy, probably one of the nicest guys in the history of the entire show. Why is it that people who play as him are always insufferable jerkasses? I have literally never met an Erik who I didn't want to drown in an oversized douche bottle just for the poetic irony. There is nothing in real Erik's characterization that even remotely lends itself to douchebaggery, so why does that happen? I can see it with the Burtons and Malcolms of the world, but what did poor Erik Huffman do to deserve it? The best thing I can do for the poor bastard is to put this doppelganging doofus down quick. 

Hali Ford

Hali was hot and interesting, which more or less guarantees that the person who's playing her is neither. NEEEEXT

Malcolm Freberg

I literally JUST wrote about him. Ugh. Malcolm's Philippines edit was more slanted than a seesaw containing Patricia Jackson at one end and Courtney Yates at the other. He was an unbelievable douche, and dealing with his fantards was an unforgettable experience. If I'm ever hovering my finger over a red button marked "Nuke the entire damn world," Malcolm fantards will be the reason I press it. Of course, then Spencer Bledsoe will come in and start bitching about my ego, because that's just what he does. The point of all of this is that Malcolm can suck a duck, he's going home right away. 

Natalie White

GAH GAH GAH I HATE THIS CHICK. I have no idea how Natalie White got the reputation for being a strategic genius - she had decent moves, but it's like everybody around me is unironically saying that "Chopsticks" deserves to be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It's just not that good. It's not worth writing home about. The bitches who play as her are even worse, it's like they think her "skills" will somehow rub off on them, and they won't because they don't exist. I hate the fact that I even have to dignify her with a cast assessment. Oh wait, fuck that, I don't. 

Sandra Diaz-Twine

I like Sandra on the show, but nobody who plays as her does her any justice. It's the same problem that plagues all of the great. But, hey, losers like Sandra will inevitably serve their function. They motivate actual players like me to step up our game and play fucking epic games as Parvati. So thank you for inspiring me with your awfulness, Sandra. Suck on!

[thenavneet]

Ratalie was great on the show.

[parvati]

I think I phrased my complaint incorrectly. She was entertaining, absolutely. But people treat her like this unstoppable force of strategic prowess and it gets old. I feel the same way about Parvati too, to be fair.

But it's the Nat players who drive me up the wall. It's like when little kids jump off a roof thinking they're superheroes and can fly. In their mind, they've got a cape, they've got a mask, therefore they will fly. Nat players think that just because they're playing as her they'll instantly be this charming charismatic strategist. It's interesting to watch them hurt themselves if you're into that, but every once in a while I just wish they'd stay off the frakkin roof to begin with.

[thenavneet]

You seem to describing one very specific Ratalie :X

[parvati]

You'd think that, but no. It's been going on since Samoa.